Ěmkāy

Dare4Distance

2009-09-30T06:20:00.001-07:00

I got the concept and came to the conclusion
That the top floor was just an illusion
To the fact that I go this break in my back
That I can't get out; I can't figure out how
You appeared right in front of me
Before your march down south to university
Is where you spend your daylight
But we're both just waiting for this friday night

Although the distance is daring
We both know how to drive
Wo-o

Weekend make up for the lost time that we both apologize for
I cant stand the fact that this extremity is the center of my day

I see where your coming from
We've been on the same boat since day one
I see how you like to run
Back to the things that got you here

Although the distance is daring
We both know how to drive
Wo-o

Weekend make-up for the lost time that we both apologize for
I can't stand the fact that this extremity is the center of my day

Mondays I sleep away
Tuesdays I lay awake
Wednesdays are the worst
Thursdays I reminice
Fridays I see your face
And I can breathe

-Never Shout Never

Foreign Language

2009-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

"Boys speak in rhythm, and girls in code..."

-Anberlin

Males are so predictable. They'll love you, leave you, fall in love with you, and come back. What am I supposed to do? I was so into him. I still am. I had so many ideas, so many plans, so many dreams. He just ripped them away from me, and now he's coming back? What do i do? All I want is for things to be substantial. Right now it's a fluctuating, fluid thing. It's up in the air. What I want is that drive to Colorado. The one in my daydream. Bandana around his head, hair long, windows down, clothing fitting to the hot weather. I want it to come true, no matter how much it hurts. He would never argue with me... and that's what I desire.

2009-08-28T12:41:00.001-07:00

I don't mind spending every day out on your doorstep in the pouring rain.

To the boys who broke our hearts.

2009-08-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Men,

This is a letter to the male creatures; to the heartbreakers, the players, the boyfriends, the flings, and the loves; to the ones who cared, and to those who didn't; to the ones that were a comfort, and those who upheaved our lives; to the ones we held dearly to our hearts, and to those who held us dearly to theirs; to those who shamefully tore our hearts into shards this is for you.

We are about to embark on a journey through the mind of a woman. This woman knows what love is, but she also knows what love is not. She has seen it through and through. She experienced the thick, the thin, the long ends too long to bear, and the short ends that leave one begging for more. She understands that love is the best feeling one could ever imagine, but at the same time the feeling of having her heart gouged out with a melon scooper and annihilated with a meat cleaver, left with an un-relenting, gaping hole in her chest. As I take you through her dark mind, you will find light behind closed doors; you will find cobwebs draping over lifeless silhouettes; you will find open doors that led to pain and were walked directly into without regret; you will find corners that have been shamelessly fled in such a way that the opening was left agape. We plead with you to learn something, not only about this girl, but take something from her, and place it in your heart. Carry it with you and pull it out when you slowly begin to realize that these feelings are concrete, real, and common among women.

Beginning with conception of love. Love is all a female cares about, no matter how much she doesn't want to believe it. It's all she thinks about. It also can be, on occasion, all she talks about. You may find this strange, depending on your personal perception of love. Females have a special talent of confusing the term "love." They will twist it, break off pieces of it, gnaw on it, misplace parts, find them, tape the pieces back together, and break them again. Some females fall in love with the idea of love. They confuse themselves and tell someone they love them, when really, they are only searching for comfort. Those who truly fall in love are the intelligent. They are the females who look for more than a pretty face and a smile for a relationship. When these fragile beings fall in love, there is no turning back. Once they have fallen, they have fallen flat on their face and at that point, there is little hope of ever getting back on their feet. An intelligent girl who is truly in love will do anything and everything for that counterpart. She will drive endless miles; she will wait endless hours; she will spend countless days of unrest and lack of sleep; she will cry an infinite number of tears, and spend ungodly amounts of money for him. The only thing she doesn't yet realize is that males rarely feel this way, and when they do, they shy away, but that's beside the point. The girl will continuously try until her heart stops beating. Her fingers will bleed as she toils and sweats in the remorseful agony of her attempts. Then the male component enters the scene. He enters, and then leaves. He leaves without regret, without remorse, without humility, and without glancing back. Slowly, but surely, she begins to fade. Her heart, her love, and everything inside of her fades like the flowers in winter. A change takes place in her mind. She will twist and mangle all of it in her head. It always becomes her fault. It always has been her fault. She doesn't see what she could have done to mess this one up. The one that mattered. How could something this important just fall away? She will become a creature of the past. She wades in the waters of what once was and she will drown there. She will turn into something she never meant to be. She becomes a monster, an empty shell of what she once was. Her light will fade and there will no longer be sunlight behind her eyes. She will fall into space and time and become an apprehensive monster. She will worry about every relationship she will have from then on. She will over analyze herself. She will put herself through strange patterns just to quench the burning in her chest. There will be a constant yearning in her chest, and she relieves it by finding distractions. She will hoist herself into diets, crazes, people, religions, parties, and materials that will never help. This one woman has one friend, one best friend. This friend knows exactly what she has been through, in fact, they went through exactly the same thing. Finally, they decide to become brutal, callous heartbreakers. They decide to only be in it for a piece of ass, just one of the boys. So they turn up the sex appeal 200 percent and lay on the charm. A different boy every week and a boy on each arm. Conniving playerettes. Every boys nightmare.

The power you men hold! If you only understood what your "harmless words" mean to these girls! God said "it's not good for man to be alone." He never mentioned anything about woman, right? They're here for your pleasure, right? Be aware, guys. Stay on your toes. Be always on your guard. These girls can pull that power right out from under you. Treat them with respect, just the way they were supposed to be treated. If you love her, tell her and don't run from her. If she tells you she loves you, nine times out of ten, she doesn't know what she's talking about. If she really loves you, she'll wait for it and the second you leave, she'll tell you straight up. She'll might cry, but the strange thing about tears is that they're like rain and never come when you want them to. Hold these girls dear to your hearts. Don't play with them, they get too attached. Talk to her even if she's busy. Let her know you're there if she needs you. She's not a piece of meat to be bought and sold, she's a human being, and a woman at that, so treat her like one. Hold her even when she tells you she doesn't want it. Smile at her sometimes. Build her confidence, because when you walk away, all she will have is what you left. Stand for what you believe in. God didn't make junk, humans did, so stick to your roots. We are sick of men being cowards. Consider it a privilege, and find it in your hollow chest to be the man you were made to be.

2009-08-01T18:05:00.001-07:00

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

-Brand New

2009-08-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

"Tony... things aren't tough enough?"

"Tough? Doc, I'm in love!"

"And you're not frightened?"

"Should I be?"

"No. I'm frightened enough for the both of us."

-West Side Story

(Doc/Tony)

I Find Myself With You

2009-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

My world lies in Saint Simon. First night in Fairhope and I'm not one for blogging. I have always been a writer. It's where I find peace. I could hardly stand the ride down here. Four hours with my father and so much on my mind. I wish someone, anyone understood me. My only chance lies in a dream. There's no way to get 7 hours from here. I have to admit, that my dad is a wonderful person to be around when he's in a good temperament. I only halfway felt bad about tuning him out after dinner. I plugged myself up to my iPod and immersed myself in memories that would never again become real. It's a constant game for those who never take life seriously. A constant struggle for those who do find seriousness in life. I may never know what shall become of those who take the hits as they come. One text message and my head is in instant upheaval. It's strange how I find peace. People who are not artistic never understand that art is peace. Art is something that no one can truly define. It is peace, it is love, it is hope, it is faith, it is whatever you may feel or not feel. It is exactly what is, but also everything that isn't. It can fully discover the undiscoverable and perfectly describe the indescribable. The ones that have never experienced it, or never have the opportunity to experience it because of some set back never understand those that live for art. When someone tells me that I am beautiful and artistic, it makes my life worth living. Because art is my life, in whatever form I may choose to express that day. When I am unable to express myself, my life falls apart. Therefore, when someone tells me that my art is beautiful, it makes me smile, because I know everything I've done is worth while. I know my life is worth somebody's time. No matter what spurred their comment, whether it be a blog like this one, a status update, a note, or a song, I know that my life is worth all the pain. The never-relenting ache I felt on the 3 hour and 59 minute drive. The pain I felt when he told me "If you showed up, absolutely one hundred percent." The loss when I realized there was no way the only thing I have wanted for the past year or more could be within my grasp again. The hurt I saw behind my eyes when I played the last year or more over and over again in my head like a reel of tape, never ending, never slowing. The throb like blood behind a bruise when I tried to find an out and knew that it was a lost cause. I know now that it is all worth while because of my art. Because of what I create, the loss of my world as I know it is worth it. It's worth the deprivation.

My World Lies In Saint Simon

2009-06-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Clouds form behind my wheels

A reel of tape behind my eyes

Silver sands, grasping hands, and a wishing heart

Only just out of reach, as always

I always reach for you

My heart wishes for you to reach for me

Once

Should You Return

2009-06-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

You see the night is all I have to make me feel,
and all I want is just a love to make it hurt.
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you.

Because a song is all I have to make me feel,
and all it takes is just a love to make it hurt.
And every sound arranged in time could make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you.

But now there's nothing left to do but waste my time.
I never knew where to move on,
I never knew what to rely upon.
But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind.
And if you're unhappy still, I will be hanging on the line should you return.

Because the night is all I have to make me feel,
and all I want is just a dream to make it worthwhile.
'Cause all I need is someone close to make me lose.
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you.

But now there's nothing left to do but waste my time.
I never knew where to move on,
I never knew what to rely upon.
But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind.
And if you're unhappy still, I will be hanging on your line.

But now there's to do to draw your eyes.
I never where to move on.
I never knew what to rely upon.
But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind.
And if you're just sinking down,
I will be pulling on your line.

-Copeland

2009-06-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

The broken hearted turn to that which they know

The shards of memories

We become that which broke us

Unknowingly, we turn into the person that broke our heart

2009-06-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

1. Endless

"Let's burn our dreams into the skyline, tattoo our sweat and tears forever, you and I..."

Forever is not a word that would fall from his lips.

His sentiments are few, yet sweet.

I will always toil with him inside of me.

My love is caged within my aching chest like birds free from flight.

Forget to hold your breath, for he does not know you.

2. Hits and Misses

"Roll with the punches for you know that it's inevitable, soon to be unforgettable..."

I held my heart in my hands.

Constantly breaching my strong walls of comfort.

He threw blows like an old hat.

We have been this place before.

My legs are broken out from under me, with no will to contend.

3. Relinquish

"Waiting on an angel, one to carry me home..."

I am unable to stick this out alone.

I dream of lights and a being in white.

Death white and gripped tightly, his arms fold around me.

My stomach lurches, turning flips, around.

My walls are broken, my strength abandoned, my troops, dead upon arrival.

2009-05-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

My world fell right from under my feet

It must all disappear for me to realize

I can trust no one

I am only a figment of your imagination

I have slowly faded away for the past year

I no longer exist as who I was before

You will not find the girl full of joy

The one who loved

The one who trusted

The one whom people cared for, because it was easy

When it comes down to it, people care only for themselves

The few creatures that understand to love others before themselves fall in vain

They turn the other cheek only to find hurt

When their world falls apart, they become one of the lost

One of those who can no longer trust anyone.

This is the end.

This is where we draw the curtain.

Dave-Grace is Gone

2009-05-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind

I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my heart, take my eyes cuz I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember, then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember, and another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone

You think of things impossible then the sun refused to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll go

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone
One more drink my Grace is gone
One more drink my Grace is gonetake

2009-05-18T19:47:00.001-07:00

It's my time to hold it together.

To find strength within myself.

To be the better one.

To be strong like I know I am.

2009-05-06T21:02:00.001-07:00

You hold a special piece of my heart.

You pulled it back together.

2009-05-06T20:21:00.001-07:00

Come see
I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles oh
I'm coming slow but speeding...
Do you wish for a dance and while I'm in the front
My play on time is won
Oh, but the difficulty is coming here...

I will go in this way
Oh, and I'll find my own way out
I won't tell you what to be
Oh,no, but I'm coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now oh tell me
What if they came down crushing
It used to be
that you and me
play for all of the loneliness
that nobody notices now
I'm begging slow 'cause I'm coming here...
I wanted to play
I wanted to stay
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads the way

I'm coming waltzing back
and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass this by
Oh no, but I wouldn't take more than I need
What sort of man goes by?
Well, I will bring water
Why won't you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won't you run in to rain and pray?
Let all tears splash all over you

The way the rain comes,
The way the rain comes down on you,
It does.

-Dave Matthews

2009-04-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Jesus, lover of my soul, cover my defensless head with the shadow of Thy wing. Plentous grace, plentous love, oh thou art all I want.

2009-04-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

For today, I wish for joy. God has helped me find it. A permanent smile is plastered on my face, not because of something that happened or something someone said, but because God willed it and he placed it there. His blessings overflow. My cup is continuously flowing over. He has put people in my life for a reason. My friends are my strength. They uplift me. They understand how to hold my hand when I lose my way and lead me back to where I should be. My heart is so full of peace. I don't care how fast I go through boys. I don't care how fast they go through girls. I'm not one of "those" girls. If you know me, you know I'm not a follower. I do stupid things, sure, I do a lot of those. At the end of the day, I've decided to stay strong. To be who I am and no one else. It might be hard, but I'm going to be the one to stick around. I'll be here. If you need me, call me, baby I'll be there. It shouldn't matter how far I travel. Boston, New York, Texas, Colorado, Louisiana, Tennessee. I'm only a phone call away. I promise you that for now, I'm staying single. It leaves me with time for the people I need, and the people who need me, not the ones who just want me. Here I am, Lord, make me into your girl.

2009-04-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

He goes through girls like a symphonic violinist goes through bows and reams of applause, like Ryan Adams through guitar strings, like the ocean's waves, and the puffs of breath in my lungs.

Laura Marling-My Manic and I

2009-04-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva, the mountains can cover the shape of his nose.

He wants to die where nobody can see him, but the beauty of his death will carry on so I don't believe him.

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him and sometimes with scorn and sometimes I believe him.

And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy.

By one in the morning day is not ended by two he is scared that sleep is no friend.

And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it, sleep will not come because sleep does not will it and I don't believe him.

Morning is mocking me. I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats 'til the ring on my finger slips to the ground.

A gift to the gutter, gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down.

And I don't believe him, morning is mocking me. Oh the gods that he believes never fail to amaze me.

He believes in the love of his god of all things, but I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins.

The drugs that decieve him and the girls that believe him.

I can't control you I don't know you well these are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last have we parted and last that I saw him down by a river silent and hardened morning was mocking us.

Blood hit the sky. I was just happy my manic and I

He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes and birds were singing to calm us down.

And birds were singing to calm us down.

And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend I don't believe in a fairytale end.

I don't keep my head up all of the time. I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.

And I hardly know you I think I can tell these are the reasons I think that we're ill.

I hardly know you I think I can tell these are the reasons I think that I'm ill.

And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me.

The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me.

My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I have no plans to move on.

The birds are singing to calm us down.

And birds are singing to calm us down.

2009-04-16T21:42:00.001-07:00

How can I forget you when you're always on my mind? How can I not want you when you're all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can't see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

2009-04-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."

-Otomo No Yakamochi

2009-04-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

I love you. Believe it.

"When the dark flood came
we wrapped ourselves inside a dirty blanket
citing different opinions
on whether we should move

when the houses came
they ate up everyone like they were fishes
saying, "come on, come on
its the end of the world"

and then I saw your face
you're turning skin into a dirty secret
I watched the beauties, watched the fire
and the fire burn the beauty in their eyes

when I took the blame
we layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase
we're yelling, "someone's got the answers,
but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found"

if you knew I was dying would it change you?

So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive,
don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side
everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die

because if seeing is believing,
then believe that we have lost our eyes

when I fly solo, I fly so high
don't touch me now.

We all deserve something"

-Manchester Orchestra

2009-04-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby

You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying

I know, I know I know, I'm still your love

Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you

Laugh with me, shout, scream not tell me you're staying

I know, I know, I know, you're still my love

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

Box after box and you're still by my side

The weather is changing and breaking my stride

I know, I know, I know, it's just this day

House after house, just like car after car

You see club after club and it all seems so far

I know, I know, I know, what else are we here for

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

Stick your hands inside of my pockets

Keep them warm while I'm still here

Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all

Last night I was writing about you

I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you

I know, I know, I know, you're still my love

I wake up to the sound of you working

You're one room right over, stressing and loving me

I know, I know, I know, be still my love

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

Stick your hands inside of my pockets

Keep them warm while I'm still here

Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all

Stick your heart inside of my chest

Keep it warm here while we rest

Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

-Tegan and Sara

2009-04-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

Please, remember me

Finally

And all my uphill clawing

My dear

but if I make the pearly gates

Do my best to make a drawing

of God and Lucifer

A boy and girl

An angel kissin on a sinner

A monkey and a man

A marching band

All around the frightened trapeze swingers

-Samuel Beam

2009-03-22T19:49:00.001-07:00

My throat thickens with the thought of you lips against mine

Last Time-Secondhand Serenade

2009-03-18T19:36:00.001-07:00

I'm stuck with writing songs

Just to forget

What they really were about

And these words are bringing me so deeply insane

That I don't think I can take my way out

I couldn't breathe through it

Like I need to and the words don't mean a thing

So I'll sing this song to you

For the last time

And my heart is torn in two

Thinking of days spent without you

And there is nothing left to prove

I'm counting all the things I could have done

To make you see

That I wanted us to be what I go to sleep and dream of

I want you to know that I'd die for you

I'd die for you

I couldn't breathe through it

Like I need to and the words don't mean a thing

So I'll sing this song to you

For the last time

And my heart is torn in two

Thinking of days spent without you

And there's nothing left to prove

And if you are alone

Make sure you're not lonely

Cause if you are, I blame myself

For never being home

I know I'm not the only one

Who will treat you like they should

What you deserve

I'm stuck with writing songs

Just to forget

So I'll sing this song to you

For the last time

And my heart is torn in two

Thinking of days spent without you

And there's nothing left to prove

There's nothing left to prove

A Letter to My Someone

2009-03-17T20:50:00.001-07:00

I hate it when you treat me like this

Like I'm nothing more than a notch in your pole

Nothing more than something you thought of at one point in time

I wonder how you talk about me

Or if you do at all

If you think about me like I think about you

Care about me half as much as I care about you

I miss your piercing, beautiful eyes on mine

Your soft touch on my cheek

Your protective arm around me

Holding me at some time in the morning that neither of us care about

Telling me with your thoughts that you'll never let me go

Then without a second thought, you're gone

Gone for longer than I can handle

So I break... and break... and crack... and fold... and rip... and split...

That's all I can say to describe when you leave

When you walk away

Leaving me to fend for myself in the storm

The rain pours down on my head like shards of glass

My ears ring longing to hear you call my name

For it to be like it used to be

I guess it's not enough for me to apologize

Not enough to say I'll never leave you

Never leave you cold and stranded

If your heart is torn as mine is

I would try to put it back together

If you would let me

You're too good for that

You can't let someone help put you back together

Piece together the wreckage that has become so familiar to me

Through the time, eaten by sorrow, lost ambition, and fear

I want to fill it with love

Love that I swear doesn't exist

Love that I swear to you I have

Love that spans a lifetime

I believe it

I believe in it

I believe in you and your heart

2009-03-12T20:18:00.001-07:00

So why'd you have to go?

Is there something I could say to make you turn around,

Cause it's nights like these I wish I'd said don't go

2009-03-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Washing your hair in the shower with praise music playing is an amazing experience. Absolutely sublime. Especially when your whole world is crashed in pieces beside your cold feet. All I've ever been told my whole life is that I'm not good enough. My sheer existence is inutile to them... to anyone. I find that it's become easier just to do what I'm told. I've given up trying to stand up for what I think of myself, it's pointless. When it comes to God, I'll stick up for Him till the end... but what do I know of holy? What do I know of a person, a spirit, a thing that is fire, fury, sacred, beautiful?

I've put myself into a place of the small, insignificant other. My mom yelled at me this morning... for having a disease. For being sick. She sarcastically yelled, "Oh poor you!" My dad told me tonight that I spend too much money on food. He's taking away my lunch money. If it were easy enough to just bring a lunch, I would, but we don't have anything in my house. I could use losing the weight. That might make them happy. At least for a little while.

If I could change the world. I would. I would make happiness a part of daily life for everyone. I would hand out flyers that give answers for achieving peace.

2009-03-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

I throw away your pride

with thick guitars and a heaping stride

2009-03-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

I love you. Get over it and get the fuck away from your pride.

2009-03-05T21:19:00.000-08:00

Just like Eve stole the apple off the tree

You stole my heart right out from under my feet

If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask-May Day Parade

2009-03-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

I'm throwing away pictures

That I never should have taken in the first place

And it's cold in my apartment

As I'm changing all the colors

From the brightest reds to greys

Well it's 3 o'clock on Monday morning

I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face

I've been getting calls in this hotel room

Long enough to know that it was him

That took my place

And I hope this makes you happy now

That the flame we had is burning out

And I hope you like your pictures facing down

As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And I'm burning all the letters

Hoping that I might forget her and her bad taste

That she left as she was leaving me

A life of barely breathing as she walked

Out of this place

And you dropped the note and we changed key

You changed yourself and I changed me

I really didn't see us singing through this

Then you screamed the bridge

And I cried the verse

And our chorus came out unrehearsed

And you smiled the whole way through it

I guess maybe that's what's worse

And I hope this makes you happy now

That the flame we had is burning out

And I hope you like your pictures facing down

As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And I'm taking all your memories off the shelf

And I don't need you or anybody else

So take a look at me

See what you want to see

When you get home

Take me home

I'd rather die than be with you

Take me home

You have a problem with the truth

Take me home

Because this happens every time

I knew it would

2009-03-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

I love him more than anything I've ever known

He tells me that I don't know

I see all the signs

All I've ever known is betrayal and desertion

2009-03-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, Oh God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while men say to me al day long,

"Where is your God?"

These things I remember

as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go with the multitude,

leading the procession to the house of God,

with shouts of joy and thanksgiving

among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, Oh my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you

from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon---from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep

in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,

at night his song is with me---

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,

"Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony

as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, Oh my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God.

-Psalm 42

Band of Horses-No One's Ever Gonna Love You

2009-02-27T08:00:00.001-08:00

It's looking like a limb torn off

Or altogether just taken a part

We're reeling through an endless fall

We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile

It is my better side of you to admire

But they should never take so long

Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,

They could have warned you

When things started spitting at the seams and now

The whole thing's tumbling down

Things start splitting at the seams and now

If things start splitting at the seams and now,

It's tumbling down

Hard

Anything to make you smile

You are the ever-living ghost of what once was

I never want to hear you say

That you'd be better off

Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,

They should have warned you

When things start splitting at the seams and now

The whole thing's tumbling down

Things start splitting at the seams and now,

If things start splitting at the seams and now

It's tumbling down

Hard

Band of Horses-Part One (Savannah)

2009-02-26T17:09:00.000-08:00

The bottom the earth I have to fall

But you really caught me

You really caught me, dear

At the bottom where I'd fallen

And slowly dear ask that you dance with me

Here with the shades down

Lights off

When I didn't know you

and everything I do

Done badly

Now I'll love you always

Even when I say

You distract me

And sit out tonight in some strange place

If we have no friends here

Well I had a few to begin with

To wake next to you in the morning

and good morning to you

How do you do?

Hey, good morning to you

More covers for you

Sleep soundly dear cause I have to go

And I'll love you always

When we leave this place

and drive back to Carolina

and down to Savanna and stay

2009-02-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

You bulldoze me out of your mind
I pick up where we last left off

Your smile surrounds me with a million butterflies
My face flushes

May God send you love in the stars
and grace in the rain clouds

May you dance in the torrential downpour
Crying over things you pushed away

I push the rain away, reminded of nights alone
My thoughts turn to you again

My heart is rested and breathing
I know you stand by my side in every part of every hour

I can breath again, because I know that's where you'll stay

I also know that you won't come back to me
Not the way I wish you would

My dreams are of you
Of you lifting me up and spinning me around

In empty parking lots full of memories and thick with night

Hope For Me Yet- Marc Broussard

2009-02-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

I could bless the water

But it wouldn't turn to wine

Paint a picture of the sunset

Hanging there in your eyes

But it'd just be some compromise

I could write a million verses

Every word you've heard before

Steal some of Dylan's best,

But it'd leave me wanting to say more

Cause there's so much more

Baby if you could love someone like me

There's no end to the possibility

Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret

But loving you just lets me know

There might be hope for me yet

Sometimes when I look back

I don't even know myself

It blows my mind to think that I've found grace in someone else

Baby your grace is something else

If you could love someone like me

There's no end to the possibility

Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret

But loving you just lets me know

There might be hope for me yet

For the man who's done nothing

I've been blessed with so much more than I deserve

I'm smart enough to know that I've been handed something

Can't put a price on what it's worth

Baby if you could love someone like me

There's no end to the possibility

Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret

But loving you just lets me now

There might be hope for me yet

2009-02-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

I may leave a great impression

As I race through a succession

Of the latest crazes, chase the newest fad

I feel better when beguiling

Find that fashion keeps me smiling

But in my heart I know it's rather sad

That a life of great potential

Is dismissed, inconsequential

And only ever seen as being cute

So I'd flutter to deceive

Oh no you must believe

That one day you're bound to find

A stronger suit

2009-02-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Without you the ground thaws,

the rain falls,

the grass grows

Without you the seeds root,

the flowers bloom,

the children play

The stars gleam,

the poets dream,

the eagles fly

without you

The Earth turns,

the sun burns,

but I die

without you

Without you the breeze warms,

the girl smiles,

the cloud moves

Without you the tides change,

the boys run,

the oceans crash

The crowds roar,

the days soar,

the babies cry

without you

The moon glows,

the river flows,

but I die without you

The world revives,

colors renew,

but I know blue,

only blue,

lonely blue

without you

Without you the hand gropes,

the ear hears,

the pulse beats

Without you the eyes gaze,

the legs walk,

the lungs breathe

The mind churns,

the heart yearns,

the tears dry without you

Life goes on,

but I'm gone,

cause I die without you.

2009-02-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

I wonder if he smiles when he talks to me.

2009-02-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

I sing alleluia and sit in yellow chairs

I stand on the edge of canyons

I wish for the presence of someone I dream about

I hope for fake smile and a ticket home

I outstretch my arms and wish to fly

Psalm 42:3-11

2009-01-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go with the multitude,

leading the procession to the house of God,

with shouts of joy and thanksgiving

among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you

from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon-from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love

at night his song is with me-

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,

"Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony

as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God.

She Weeps over Rahoon

2009-01-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

Rain on Rahoon falls softly, softly falling,

Where my dark lover lies.

Sad is his voice that calls me, sadly calling,

At grey moonrise.

Love, hear thou

How soft, how sad his voice is ever calling,

Ever unanswered, and the dark rain falling,

Then as now.

Dark too our hearts, O love, shall lie and cold

AS his sad heart has lain

Under the moongrey nettles, the black mould

And muttering rain.

James Joyce

2009-01-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

Written on my soul is thy gesture

and all I desire to write about thee

thee thyself wrote it, I only read it

that even on that matter I follow thee

In that I am and shall be ever ready

cause even though I cannot cope with as much as I see in thee

from so much good, I believe in what I cannot understand

already taking the faith as a premise

I was not born but to love thee

my soul is patterned to thy measures

and because of my soul's habit I do love thee

I confess to owe thee all I have

for thee I was born, for thee I am alive

for thee I have to die, and for the I die.

Soneto V

2009-01-27T17:25:00.001-08:00

Escrito esta en mi alma vuestro gesto,

y cuanto yo excribir de vos deseo:

vos sola lo escribisteis, yo lo leo

tan solo, que aun de vos me guardo en esto.

En esto estoy y estare siempre puest;

que aunque no cabe en mi cuanto en vos veo,

de tanto bien lo que no entiendo creo,

tomando ya la fe por presupuesto.

Yo no naci sino para quereros:

mi alma os ha crtado a su medida;

por habito del alma mismo os quiero.

Cuando tengo confieso yo deberos:

por vos naci, por vos tengo la vida,

por vos he de morir, y por vos muero.

-Garcilaso de la Vega

2009-01-27T16:58:00.001-08:00

Don't do this. I guess I prepared myself for a heartache, but please... don't do this. Again.

Copeland-I'm Sucker For A Kind Word

2009-01-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

I'd be hanging on their words

Like they almost meant a thing

In the only lullaby I heard,

Their sirens blaring, singing me to sleep

Holding my loved one tight

On the softness of her laugh,

I could almost make my bed

But the racket of her absence joined

The sirens blaring ringing in my head

Holding nothing tight

With my eyes so wide

In a house without a back door

I was looking for a fire escape

And I'll be ripping up the floorboards

Just trying to get away

From this sleeplessness, sleeplessness, sleeplessness

She'd be hanging on my words

Like I almost meant a thing

And I'd give anything not to let her down

To finally sleep through just one noisy night

Holding her so tight, holding her so tight

But my eyes are wide

In a house without a back door

I was looking for a fire escape

And I'll be ripping up the floorboards

Just trying to get away

From this sleeplessness

Sleeplessness, Sleeplessness

Cause my mind just can't stop moving

And I think I know why

Oh, I know why

It's sad

But I'm a sucker for a kind word

And I'll just hurt until I find one

And I've been trying all the windows

And I've been running up the staircase

In a house without a backdoor

Sleeplessness, sleeplessness, sleeplessness

In a house without a backdoor (Sleeplessness)

I was looking for a fire escape (Sleeplessness)

And I'd be ripping up the floorboards (Sleeplessness)

Just trying to get away...

2009-01-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

Outside, the one star is shining

That star, my star reminds me of you

I remember the night we stood under its blanket

And watched the city lights pulse

As the rest appear, one by one

I'm lost in you

Helplessly devoted and gone

2009-01-14T12:11:00.001-08:00

I miss you terribly. I know you're one of the reasons I'm incapable of finding joy. It's amazing how one person can be son incredibly life changing. I know you're searching... aren't we all. I mean seriously, if everything went the way we wished it would, life would be so boring. I just wish that sometimes, when things are more important to you than breathing air, we would get what we wanted. God has a plan. I know that. I just wish I knew what his plan was and how he was going to use me. Then again, it goes back to the fact that life would be boring if we knew what was going to happen.

Would you come back please? I need you in my life more than I can possibly tell you. You are integral to my sanity. I wish I was strong enough to do what's right. I wish I knew what was right. If you come back for good, I promise I'll be here. I always have been and always will be here for you. I'm not any more than what I've been all along. I've just been run through a meat grinder.

2009-01-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

My blood is mustard colored

My veins run bone dry

They no longer run with you

And my heart is a falling parachute

I let your sweet air surge through me

As I stand looking at the open sky

With my hands wide open

And my heart wide shut.

I know I'm a mess

2009-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

When I picture you out there

All of your heartstrings tied in knots

Your honesty is what I long for

The looks you used to give me

What do you run from?

Where do you think you'll find it?

The facts of life are simple

Yet, I know you only complicate things

First hand, I know everything you meant to say

All the small things only you and I understand

For me, it's more than only things untold

It's the things you did say that keep me holding on

I hope that you find me in the clouds

See my spirit soar through the flying sparrows

Discover my arms wrapped around you in the covers of your bed

And my love in your heart

Just a few mirrored thoughts from my friends in Jack's Mannequin

2008-12-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

"And today was a day just like any other

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge

Unraveling with ever word

With ever word you say, make me believe

That I won't feel your tires on the street

As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

I come undone, oh yes, I do

Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you

And every word you say, say somethings sweet

Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth

As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

I wake up to find it's another four aspirin morning and I dive in.

I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday.

When did society decide that we had to change

And wash a tee shirt after every individual use?

If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.

I take the stairs to the car and there's fog on the windows.

(I'm fighting the words...)

I need caffeine in my blood stream,

I take caffeine in the blood stream

I grip the wheel and all at once I realize:

(And you're getting away...)

My life's become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along..."

"From an empty room on the first floor as the cars pass

I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

And it's all I can do to stay with

All the things I didn't say to you

Before you moved across the country

And from the burning building where I lay

As I watch the stars become the day...

This fishbowl life is all they need

It's everything I needed too

Until I heard the news

I'll send this message through the speakers

they told me that you moved

I'll cross this country on a frequency

I'm slipping through, I'm slipping through

I'm slipping into the airwaves

And this is nothing new, you are slipping through my fingers

And into the airwaves

The static's where you'll find me...

Something's not right inside living with the news..."

2008-12-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

"Sorrow last through this night

I'll take this piece of You

and hope for all eternity

For just one second I felt whole

As You flew right through me..."

Flyleaf

2008-12-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

The mighty continents divided it

For a second time in all history

They found themselves just floating

Free from all responsibility

Without the weight of being whole

Some fruits evolved all on their own

But if you want something back

All the things that got cracked

When I felt like you lied to me

And all the million mistakes

And the kicks in the face

But I don't want you to die in me

So when you say what you want

That you need what you got

Don't forget to be kind to me

Now here's an apple with a tougher skin

While you've got your pretty scales and fins you say

See all the things that I can do

So perfectly my body grew but in

All the time you felt so free

Did you forget how much you once loved me

And if you want something back

All the things that got cracked

When I felt like you lied to me

And all the million mistakes

And the kicks in the face

But I don't want you to die in me

So when you say what you want

That you need what you got

Don't forget to be kind to me

I don't want you to die in me

Mirah

10 Things I hate About You

2008-12-16T18:12:00.001-08:00

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick;

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Portrait d'une Femme

2008-12-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

Your mind and you are our Sargasso Sea,

London has swept about you this score years

And bright ships eft you this or that in fee

Ideas, old gossip, oddments of all things,

Strange spars of knowledge and dimmed wares of price.

Great minds have sought you---Lacking somewhere else.

You have been second always. Tragical?

No. You preferred it to the usual thing:

One dull man, dulling and uxorious,

One average mind---with one thought less, each year.

Oh, you are patient, I have seen you sit

Hours, where something might have floated up.

And now you pay one. Yes, you richly pay.

You are a person of some interest, one comes to you

And takes strange gain away.

Trophies fished up; some curious suggestion:

Fact that leads nowhere; and a tale or two,

Pregnant with mandrakes, or with something else

That might prove useful and yet never proves,

That never fits a corner or shows use,

Or finds its hour upon the loom of days:

The tarnished, gaudy, wonderful old work;

Idols and ambergris and rare inlays,

These are your riches, your great store; and yet

For all this sea-hoard of deciduous things,

Strange woods half sodden, and new brighter stuff:

In the slow float of differing light and deep,

No! there is nothing! In the whole and all,

Nothing that's quite your own.

Yet this is you.

-Ezra Pound

2008-12-15T19:21:00.000-08:00

freck-le n. a small brownish spot on the skin, often turning darker or increasing in number upon exposure to the sun.

I can hardly explain what you make me feel. If I could catch it in a jar and give it to you as a present, I'm not sure if I would. I understood early on that every part of me is something made perfect in the eyes of someone not yet seen. This pre-determined soul lies deep within the shadows of the unknown of my mentality. Slowly, the likeness of his profile becomes apparent. He'll take what's left of my war-torn sentiment, battered and threadbare, and hold it in the palm of his hands and fully heal it. Only to feel the love I hold, after he slowly flays the burned blotches left from those whom breached my heartstrings and left them to rot.

"And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders..."

hope v. to look forward with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, or trust.

I shivered, twice. Cold-blooded am I with trembling, frigid fingers that fumble lightly as they glide. The air is not warm, but neither does it bite. Like a purr of bumblebees, it flits and flees with no thoughts to that which it passes. The stars are lustrous and more beautiful when I am lounging beside your snug figure. Show me how to breathe easy. Teach me where to go from here. Your sweet eyes continuously ease my doubts. If I hand you my little heart, will you be there to show me affection? Could you decipher my troublesome mind? Would you show me how to live without troubles and hesitation?

"Believe there's gonna be love in all your pain..."

always adv. at all times; invariably; for all time; forever.

I'm not pushing; I'm not pulling. I'm not reeling; I'm not straining. What I am doing is wishing you were here. Time easily becomes a figment of imagination when you stand next to me. It only happens involuntarily and I just wish I could canonize it and put it in a few pages. For the safety of my sanity, I can smile in wonder at the possibility that you duplicate my current condition. For love, while intangible, is not yet a figment of imagination, nor an idea. Love is true, real, and solid. As a rock sits on the ground, love lives in the air. The rocks may one day cry out just as the wind talks to us now, in whispers and whistles in the language of Providence.

"The world has lost her way again, but you are here with me..."

2008-12-09T16:59:00.000-08:00

"Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good, as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did"

Dave Matthews.

2008-12-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Cover yourself with moonlight

My weary heart sings out

Balancing it's fervent suspicion

2008-12-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm immersing myself in your memory

Slowly our nights together begin to fade

It's not like I want them to

It's more like this:

I don't think I can handle it if you leave. I'll end what I've started, or what you started to tell the truth.

You've become too comfortable with me. You know me all too well. I don't like it, but I wouldn't have it any other way under any circumstances.

My mind twisted apart. I was on a high, an incredible climax in my night. Then you told me what you should have long ago. You're leaving... ... ... ... Again. I would honestly prefer I had never known. Ever. I would have been able to handle not seeing you ever again if I hadn't known. I. Would. Have. Been. Alright.

Now I'm not alright, and God knows if I ever will be.

2008-12-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

My light is fading out as the fog rolls in with the rain.

2008-12-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

My fragmenting mind is deftly composed of a orchestra warming up

Constantly moving, running, playing, screaming

It is not the rehearsal, but a pre-performance ritual

The blurred chaos bellows through my memory

It weaves with the strings of my soul

It jerks the cords of my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xeSFO-PwPA&feature=relate

Secondhand Serenade-Suppose

2008-12-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

Suppose that I missed you

Suppose that I care

And suppose that spent all my nights running scared

And suppose

That I was never there

In my eyes I'm screaming for a sight of you

And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through

And I can't hold on to you

So i guess I'll be lonely too

Suppose we were happy

Suppose it was true

And suppose there were cold nights but we found that waiting through

And suppose that I'm nothing without you

Slow way down

this break downs eating me alive

And I'm tired

This fire's fighting to survive

Tell me a secret

Tell me a story

I'll listen intensively

I'll stay awake at night

All of me is a whisper (So don't leave)

There's nothing left in me

Not even my body is strong enough to fight

Please help me make this right

Suppose I was wrong

Suppose you were here

And suppose that I reached out and caught your tears

And suppose this fight just disappeared

My eyes are screaming for the sight of you

And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through

And I can't hold on to you

So I guess I'll be lonely too

But I'd rather be here with you

2008-12-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure Sherwood hit the nail on the head when they wrote their song, I'll Wait For You

All in a day,

See it for yourself,

I'll make no change,

When you are somewhere else,

And I'll write for you,

Every chance I get,

Tell me you'll listen,

And say you won't forget

And I'll never say I don't have time, when you need me with you,

I'll stand in line, if you want me to, and I'll wait for you,

I'll wait for you

Everyday,

See it for yourself,

I'll make no plans,

When you are somewhere else,

And I'll sing for you,

Songs that no one hears,

But tell me you'll listen,

And say I'll have your ears

And if you have something to say,

Know I won't look away,

No, I won't look away,

I'll keep on waiting for you,

You'd wait for me, whoa

2008-11-30T11:19:00.001-08:00

I'm alright.

I promise.

2008-11-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

You came back. I always had a feeling you would. It places a smile in my heart, upon my face. It makes my nose tingle when you touch it. In the dark with the stars and the thickness of the air. You wanted to; you told me. It would have complicated things, and I know that. It was enough just to tell you in a truthful manner and set things straight. It has suddenly become apparent to me to what degree this situation intrigues me. This position that I've been put in is principal to me.

All I ever wanted was to stand by you; to hold my ground next to your warm, tall frame. My heart hammers so swiftly next to your steadily beating one. This feeling is so strange. I will not in any way try to comprehend what, why, or even how. Be it different than anything in the world, and so strong. I have faith that it could fill the hearts of so many people. Give them hope for another tomorrow. How amazing it has become so meaningful to my soul and my prosperity.

I screamed. In a field. My sheer joy overflowed through my lungs and vocalic grooves. It gives me chills imagining those first nights, realizing how incredibly indescribable they have emerged as. I am elated with the thought that everything is settled, and how the encumbrance is lifted. I think you might truly understand me. I know I understand you; you told me.

I know you have to go. I understand it. It might be for the best, but all I want for you is your happiness and your fulfillment. Just know, my dear that I'm here to stay.

2008-11-20T18:40:00.001-08:00

The room is spinning around with nowhere for me to turn. I could choose the lesser of two evils, but I'm not sure which one would bring me less pain. I don't think you understand the concept here. I need you. I need you like the ground needs the summer rain. Like an addict's veins need the needle. I'm having withdrawals. I'm going crazy. My head doesn't work right. I can't think straight. I'm trying so desperately to keep my head above water; to stay afloat. I'm like a duck in a hurricane. My little webbed feet are reeling over and over again in the same pattern, and yet... it does not a bit of good. Not at all. I'm drowning. I'm slowly sinking. I need you to tell me where to go. This no longer rests in my hands. I need to give it up, but sacrifice is so much harder when it comes to this.

2008-11-20T18:39:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but it seems as if my thoughts have been straight, and I don't blog unless something is troubling me. I'm not a happy blogger... anyway... I'm back. Probably for awhile.

If Everything Fell Quiet (Reindeer Section)

2008-09-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

Be my guide

Be my pilot

Be the breath on my face

Be the arms that can form it

Be the heart in my chest

This is the way I want you to begin my life

I couldn't face another night like that again

Be my hope, I'll be your hope

Be the hair that knots with my hair

Be the drink when I am thirsty

Be the hand to hold at night

This is the way I want you to begin my life

I couldn't face another night like that again

Reindeer Section- Your Sweet Voice

2008-09-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Your sweet voice,

Lets me know there is a choice

Please me slow,

Much more slowly than that

And when we danced,

We danced one cheek to cold cheek

A sideways glance

I knew you were looking at him

I can't call you a friend,

'Cause when you left me here,

You left me here to die

Don't worry, I won't call you again,

'Cause when I take a hint,

I take it pretty hard

And when you broke my heart,

You broke it into shards of glass

The telephone yells out at me to wake,

I won't be blamed for someone else's mistakes

It's your sweet voice

Sounding cheery on the line

It breaks my heart,

As I ease up on the charm

Can I call you my friend?

'Cause it's been so long since we talked

And I miss you

Don't worry I'm over you right now,

So my feelings won't get in the way of it,

Oh, and I miss the way

We talked about the little things

You take my breath away... No matter what else happens, you always will.

2008-09-16T20:10:00.001-07:00

I miss your arms wrapped around me

Made me feel safe, warm, integral

Send shivers down my spine again,

From the roots of my hair, to the tips of my toes

I miss your kisses, soft and sweet

Wonderful and fulfilling

Close my eyes, and dream of you lying right beside me,

Again, I'm told, if dreamt twice, a dream comes true

I miss your ambrosial scent

Weak at the knees, I would become,

If you did not hold the weight I so freely give,

Promptly, becoming a slight plash on the floor below your feet

I miss your engaging eyes,

The primary color between green and violet on a color wheel

Ravishing and breathtaking they become,

Slowly they tangle with mine, of similar color

I miss your stunning smile

Indescribable is the feeling I get when the rare occasion appears

Sensitive is the aura which it gushes

This simper of yours creates a rush of blood through my cheeks

I miss forgetting to breathe

I miss the light in my eyes

I miss the laughter

I miss the exhaustion of the next morning;

the surge of emotion;

the adrenaline;

the daydreams;

the madness, and the joy.

2008-09-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've always known what I wanted.

Always been the kind to give everything that's in me.

My passion, my emotions, my all.

It's not something I regret, and it's not something I can stop.

It's the way I'm made... my insides are torn, not by choice.

What I need right now, is to know I'm worth your time.

To believe in the damage I've done.

Put some weight into this, for my sake.

I need gravity to weigh us down, if that's what you want.

I need something to withstand a storm.

I've always been a substitute person; a world class secondhand serenade.

I always will be the one who isn't worth your time.

The middle person; the hand-me-down; the secondhand rose; the substitute person.

I'll always be a Claire.

"You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately"

"Tell me."

"We're the substitute people."

"The substitute people"

"I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be an Ellen; and I'm not a Cindy, either, although Chucks love me."

"I'm sure they do."

"I like being alone too much."

"I mean, I'm with a guy who's married to his academic career. I rarely see him, and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

-Elizabethtown

Flyleaf-All Around Me

2008-09-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being

Burning I"m not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to fade

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway

The angels singing say we are alone with you

I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand

I give it to you

Now you own me

All I am

You said you would never leave me

I believe you

I believe

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

Congratulations-Blue October and Imogen Heap

2008-09-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Is that seat taken

Congratulations

Would you like to take a walk with me

My mind it kind of goes fast

I try to slow it down for you

I think I'd love to take a drive

I want to give you something

I've been wanting to give to you for years

My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up

You left me.. hu hu hu hu

My heart won't take this cover up

You left me.. hu hu hu hu

I came to see the light in my best friend

You seemed as happy as you'd ever been

My chance of being open was broken

And now you're Mrs. him

My words they don't come out right

But I'll try to say I'm happy for you

I think I'm going to take that drive

I want to give you something

I've been wanting to give you for years

My hearts

My heart, my pain won't cover up

You left me.. hu hu hu hu

My heart

My heart won't take this cover up

You left me.. hu hu hu hu

And I can't change this

I can never take it back

But now I can't change your mind

(You left me)

And I can't this

I can never take this back

But now I can't change your mind

can't change your mind

(You left me)

Can't change your mind

(You left me, you left me, you left me, you left me)

Go away

Make it go away

Please

"Don't don't don't don't, don't you go anywhere..." -Lakes

2008-09-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if you could fully understand, and I don't know if you ever will. I can certainly try to tell you... I do. I absolutely adore having you in my life. I love being around you. I honestly don't care if all we do is sit and stare at each-other.... that'd probably bring about some giggles, at least from my end. You're great. Different from anyone I've ever even considered being in like with. You understand the fact that music is the second most important thing that exists. You get the fact that while words speak, actions speak louder. I don't feel like I have to explain things... which is awesome, because I've never had that before with anyone... even my best of friends. It's amazing that I can feel this happy again. I hope it lasts, because life should be happy, and there should be gladness in this cold heart that I have had recently.

"I think I was blind before I met you."

-Bright Eyes

Tested and True-Secondhand Serenade

2008-08-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

Superstitions aren't meant for lovers

Under covers, undiscovered is your skin

I am lonely, please let me in

You're probably wondering what I was proving

Are you choosing?

Am I losing you tonight?

Is it over, over?

Are we fading?

I never wanted anything the way that I want you

But my words don't seem to matter

My words don't seem to matter

And you look at me and I can see

The lies you're running to

But my words don't seem to matter

I'd rather have you tested and true

Now you've had your chance

So let's try my way, it's my day

To show you what you're missing, turn around

And feel the winds of change upon your face again

The warm breath of your closest friend

I'm waiting, I'm waiting

Are we fading?

I never wanted anything the way that I want you

But my words don't seem to matter

My words don't seem to matter

And you look at me and I can see

The lies you're running to

But my words don't seem to matter

I'd rather have you tested and true

I'm scared we'll fall apart tonight

Under the moonlight

I'm scared we'll never make it right

Under the moonlight

Take my hand and hold it tight

I never wanted anything the way that I want you

but my words don't seem to matter

My words don't seem to matter

And you look at me and I can see

The lies you're running to

But my words don't seem to matter

I'd rather have you tested and true

(Are we fading out?)

Bright Eyes-No Lies, Just Love

2008-08-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

It's in the march of the winter I turned seventeen

That I bought those pills

I thought I would need

And I wrote a letter to my family

Said it's not your fault

And you've been good to me

Just lately I've been feeling

Like I don't belong

Like the ground's not mine

To walk upon

And I've heard that music

Echo through the house

Where my grandmother drank

By herself

And I sat watching a flower

As it was withering

I was embarrassed by its honesty

So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face

Not this fucking wreck

That's taken its place

So please forgive what I have done

No you can't stay mad at the setting sun

Cause we al get tired, I mean eventually

There is nothing left to do but sleep

But spring came bearing sunlight

Those persuasive rays

So I gave myself a few more days

My salvation it came, quite suddenly

When Justin spoke very plainly

He said, "Of course it's your decision,

But just so you know,

If you decide to leave,

Soon I will follow."

I wrote this for a baby,

Who has yet to be born,

My brother's first child,

I hope that womb's not too warm

Cause it's cold out here

And it will be quite a shock,

To breathe this air,

To discover loss

So I'd like to make some changes,

Before you arrive,

So when your new eyes meet mine,

They won't see no lies,

Just love,

Just love

I will be pure,

No, no, I will be pure

Like snow,

Like gold,

Like snow,

Like gold,

Like snow,

Like gold,

Like gold...

2008-08-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

You're a world class SOB.

A complete mess of a person, if you could call you human.

You gouged out my heart with a melon scooper.

You took it along for the ride.

You wrapped my breath around your pinky finger.

If you had said jump, that's what I would have done.

You are an ass.

A mistake.

Absolutely the dumbest genius I have ever met.

I won't understand, you're right.

No one will.

Shutting people out is how you roll.

It doesn't matter how others feel to you... not at all.

Self-centered.

Egotistical.

Consumed by yourself, but I was consumed by you.

I wish I could hate you, but all I can do is love you without a thing in return.

The Spill Canvas-One Thing Is For Sure

2008-08-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

There are things in this world
That I don't understand
Like love, war, gravity
Or the lay of the land
But all of these, remain mysteries
One thing is for sure
You are worth living for.

Sometimes when I'm far away from you
I get a little lost, a little out of my element
I miss the way your body burns
When we melt alone.

There are things in this world
That I don't understand
Like love, war, gravity
Or the lay of the land
But all of these, remain mysteries
One thing is for sure
You are worth living for.

Sometimes when I let my mind run free
It never fails and it goes right to you
And a smile takes a hold of me
I've missed the way your body burns
When we melt alone.

There are things in this world
That I don't understand
Like love, war, gravity
Or the lay of the land
But all of these, remain mysteries
One thing is for sure
You are worth living for.

There are things in this world
That I don't understand
Like love, war, gravity
Or the lay of the land
But all of these, remain mysteries
One thing is for sure
You are worth living for

2008-08-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I've turned into more than just someone who believes in love. I fell in and out of it, yet again, and this time, my hurt is something not yet comprehendable. It's as if I got so used to being around; so used to sitting, waiting, wishing, that I can't feel anymore. I can't possibly describe to you the logic of what I have done to myself... my heart. It quite possibly left the day my mind did; packed up and walked away, just as he did. I don't quite know if knowing someone can't love you as much as you love them should hurt this much. It shouldn't feel this way. It was all over long before those words were said. I assume my disbelief is what slowly began to creep away the night he said those four words. It would be nice to have a release; not one comes to mind, because it all has a consequence. You would think the right thing would feel better than this.

Wild Is The Wind-Cat Power

2008-08-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

Love me, love me, say you do
Let me fly away with you
We are creatures of the wind
Wild is the wind

Give me more than one caress
Satisfy this hungriness
We are creatures of the wind
Wild is the wind

You touch me,
I hear the sound of mandolins, baby,
You kiss me,
With your kiss, my life begins

Like a leaf clings to a tree
Baby, please cling to me
We are creatures of the wind
Wild is the wind

You touch me,
I hear the sound of mandolins,
and you kiss me,
With your kiss my life begins

Love me, love me, say you do,
Let me fly away with you

2008-08-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

It's with a heavy heart that I take on the world today
You have a way about you that I can't quite feel
Holding my breath at arms length,
you continuously intertwine my fragile being
around your fingers
I've played all my cards, games over now
Throw at me what you may;
the hurricane you say lies ahead
I'm here for the long run;
I will stay to weather this storm
No one fills the air around me like you do
The light you continuously exude,
even through the darkness that blinds you
It binds me to you, strangely,
in an endless symphony of notes and emotions,
sprawled onto paper like a sea of ants,
unsure of which way is up
I can't seem to cry over you,
so I cry for you,
in front of you.

Let It Rain-Tilly and the Wall

2008-07-26T17:12:00.001-07:00

"Get into the groove boy you've got to prove your love to me"
Played on the radio as we drove down south to see our families
You were lying there in the passenger chair sound asleep
I could recall a time when evenings were bright and thick with love
And all the city streets and their lights they were so mysterious
Oh life it was so wonderful it would shine just like fire
How we sat on the backs of our cars and laughed into the morning
I thought you'd come and go
I never thought you would stay
And I'm sorry if I tried to push you away
But the edges they fold and you suddenly find you are buried beneath
A blanket of snow you had no idea was even falling
Now you're sitting on a couch inside your home feeling cold
Nothing is clear, all your thoughts they have become so hard to find
With a question mark always slumped at the end of these awkward lines
All the simple words we loved to speak are no longer audible
And I never thought with you and I this would be possible
I can feel the world coming apart
And I need you by my side with your delicate heart
So please don't leave me no don't you run
Don't be frightened by the storm so bold and brave
Just let it rain

The Immensity of Lachrymal Activities

2008-07-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how numb I have become
I am awestruck at how happy I can be, as well
When you don't have to worry about loss
Even for a second, when no thought turns there
Maybe loss makes you stronger,
and maybe peace, love, and happiness are the hardest things to find,
Just a smile might take a lifetime to discover,
A search for one true love may never be found.

So we find contentment in other things,
Items that disappear in the end,
The infinite details being too difficult to inquire about,
Would anyone care to throw it all away for something immeasurable,
Something boundless and yet, so beautifully obligatory,
It quite possibly could be something non-existent,
A technicality that one could spend a lifetime on a picaresque venture searching for it.

It makes me cry.
It makes me weep in monumental heaves.
I don't cry.

2008-07-11T10:27:00.001-07:00

Just a little hint as to what's going on in my life:

Lost the boy I was supposed to be dating. He refused to talk to me for a month out of the sheer blue. He acted like I was invisible and treated me like dirt when I did absolutely nothing but try and be there for him. Now that he is talking to me, he never apologized for what he did and tends to act as if nothing happened. He still treats me like I'm insignificant. Lost my best friend... or at least I thought she was my best friend. She wrote me a letter telling me ever way she hated me. P.S. They were all things that are either over with, or things I couldn't help. (Things such as where I go to school, my singing ability, what I look like, and my extracurricular activities... Not to mention who I date, which, I can help to a point, but she rehashed them after they had ended in this letter) This also was out of the blue. She also never apologized, but instead, claimed, "I meant to throw that away." Did I mention she didn't say any of this to my face, but she wrote it in a letter and pinned it to one of my pictures in my room for me to find almost two weeks later. This explains her ditching me the other day. My mom tells me I do nothing at all to help the family, when all I did yesterday was take my sister places and pick her up and all I did today was do chores. She tells me I'm lazy and I don't act like a member of the family. She says that I should volunteer to do the things I do, instead of her asking me. (Like I would know what they were if she didn't ask me) She says I should get a job. She says my music is too sad to be performed. She says I hate my sister and say mean things to her all the time, when my sister's the one saying that I'm dumb and weird, making fun of me, and not thanking me for taking her places when I certainly have better things I could be doing.

Just a little insight to what's going on.
I tend to wonder more and more these days, what would happen if I drove off a bridge.
So I'm glad you other people can be happy.
Maybe you could share a little insight with me on how to do that.

2008-07-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe

I'm Not Meant To Be A Wallflower

2008-07-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

I sit behind this piano, cold and broken hearted, singing songs of lost love and aching of the souls of many. It may take what seems like a ceaseless number of years to understand me, but I would hope it is worth the while. I don't know where I am going and whether or not I will have a plan tomorrow. I know not what you meant when you left me... Stranded, without explanation. It wouldn't be the first time and it won't be the last. I know for sure that my rational mind tells me that I shouldn't have followed. It's not like I had the strength to carry out what it told me. You left me out of breath when you walked away. It hurt more than you knew I could hurt. A clean break, you said... For protection, you said. What you don't know is that protection means nothing to me. It never has. I've never been one to protect myself. Now that my heart is guarded, I might never find one to break its chains. It would be a miracle. I can see myself being one of independence within the walls of my tentative quintessence. It is my only wish in life to find love, being it the true kind. I'm not sure it exists anymore. I've had countless people tell me that my one ambition is a lost cause and if what I want is authentic, bona fide, without a doubt, head over heals, unassailable, unfeigned, constant, valid, genuine, heartfelt, devoted, resolute, veracious love, l'amour, de liefde, l'amore. The kind that makes you sick, the kind where time stops, the kind where you just know, the kind that makes you see stars, the kind that makes you get intoxicated by the sight of them. I see it now as something that I can dream about, but never have. If that means I end up alone in an apartment with a Great Dane named Bob, then so be it. I won't put up with fake stuff. I want it more than you can know. My heart longs for it. If it's impossible to reach, I don't want to try anymore. I'll give up. No matter how strong I tell you I am.

2008-07-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

"I hope you like your pictures facing down.
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And I'm burning all the letters
Hoping that I might forget him and his bad taste
That he left when he was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as he walked
Out of this place"

-MayDay Parade

2008-07-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

My heart is bruised and lying on the ground.
At least bruises heal.

I tried my best to leave this song on your machine...

2008-07-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that I hope love is more than what I've found,
If not... life as I know it is as well as over, for me...
And one other, that I know of.

2008-06-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

You run through my mind like an unknowingly unloaded gun.
I'm truly terrified.

Why-Secondhand Serenade

2008-06-30T13:57:00.001-07:00

The buttons on my phone are worn thin
I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.
But I've broken all my promises to you
I've broken all my promises to you.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

A phrasing that's a single tear,
Is harder than I ever feared
And you were left feeling so alone.
Because these days aren't easy
Like they have been once before
These days aren't easy anymore.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.

I should have known this wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel
What matters most? Everything
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.
I promise you I will bring you home
I will bring you home.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.

Play

2008-06-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

As gravity plays games with my heart,
My heart unfolds tricks on my mind

I don't want to put up with the madness,
The insanity that surrounds you

The ins and outs of romance,
The unforgiving sport of courtship

Consider the hearts at rest,
The ones that search and never find

Maybe we'll be fortunate to be one of these,
No matter how hard we dream for the counter.

Good Woman-Cat Power

2008-06-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can’t see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don’t want be a bad woman
And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can’t see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don’t love you no more

Cause I want to be a good woman
And I want for you to be a good man

2008-06-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I can't refuse to go to sleep,
but I musn't stay awake
I decidedly immerse myself in the nights we shared
Save the blade for someone
Who's skin can take the pain...
Unlike my own.

I've got a pounding headache and a heavy,
reeling heart full of pain
my desire is short,
but my soul longs for it,
the desire that comes ever so regretfully.

2008-06-29T02:09:00.000-07:00

Let's throw away our life together
As we all become silhouettes of what we used to be

The Last Time He Saw Dorie

2008-06-29T01:50:00.003-07:00

I would like to say for his sake that the last time he saw Dorie was after his mind collapsed. As the rest of us know, it was at that very moment that his heart was broken in two pieces, or a million in his finite mind. They seemingly crashed to the floor one by one, with no one there to catch them. I stood there as if there was nothing I could do. If I felt as if there was something to be done at that point, I would have acted upon it. Yet, I stood there, like the fool I now realize I am, and stared. As he collapsed on the floor in two hundred different pieces, some more whole than others, he wept. In all my years of knowing Oliver, which is a good many, I have never seen him cry. Not once did I see him shed a tear. Many times I would have liked to say I saw a slight misty-eyed gaze, but deep down, I knew it was only my fantasies running away with me. He crumbled like someone had pierced him in the stomach with a double edged sword. She had disappeared. She was gone. What he told me that hurt the most, was that she never knew. He had never told her. Cliche, I know, but the night she ended her wreck of a life, he loved her. Why he loved her, one will never know. He claimed it was for her beauty, inside and out, yet we never saw it. God only knows what truly made him love her. Maybe it was that she was a wreck. He felt the impulse to rescue the damsel in distress. He was a wreck as well, so the knight in shining armor was never his stage to dance upon. He said, "I didn't want to stay." He didn't. He left her because nothing in his head truly made sense anymore. It all convulged, diverged into something that he soon realized would only be understood by Dorie. That is why when he found her, when he saw her for the last time, when she ended it all for the world, he splintered.
Cracked.
Crumbled.
Fragmentized.
Dissolved.

He's in love with tragedy,
in love with tragedy
She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he
And the last time he saw Dorie,
he didn't know what to say but

"Thank you because you loved me,
it's all on me cause I didn't want to stay,
I didn't want to stay..."

"Live, live, live because you love, love, love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again..." She said.